Getting Our American Priorities Straight

Just a random recap of what’s important to important people at this point in time:

pregnant soldierMaj. Gen. Anthony Cucolo III, in charge of something-or-other in he American Protectorate of Iraq has decided that, since he can’t really get his jollies from killing A-rabs any more, he’s going to lash out at, well, pregnant women. Specifically, he’s threatening female soldiers who get pregnant with court martial, jail time, public stoning and… well, okay, no, I made up the part about stoning. ‘Tony probably thought long and hard about that option, though. But, yes, it’s true: according to the Major General, he’s so strapped for cannon fodder that he can’t tolerate the notion of sending home a female soldier who finds herself pregnant during a tour of duty. Apparently he thinks the threat of jail time is going to keep all the sluts in his brigade from “doing it.” Not clear to me how a pregant female soldier stuck behind bars improves his fighting odds in the field, but then, that’s why I’m a blogging fool and he’s in charge of running that wonderful war of ours. How is that war going these days anyway?

And in other news, Tim Pawlenty, head Creationist of the great state of Minnesota (home of that other born-again-jerk, Garrison Keillor) has thought long and hard about the greatest threat to mankind, and after dismissing global warming, war, infectious diseases and, yes, even the threat of islamofascists invading downtown St. Paul in the dark of night, he’s decided that the biggest boogieman out there is… wait for it… cross-dressing 3rd grade teachers. Yes, it’s true: apparently, that’s why literacy rates in Minnesota have been dropping for decades, it’s the cause of teen pregnancies, drunk driving, failing crops, and, yes, bad weather. Mr. Johnson — also known as Mrs. Johnson when the mood strikes him — is the root cause of all evil, and if re-elected as Governor, Tim will do everything in his power to deal with Mr. Johnson and his indecisive Johnson.

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