The Devil’s Suction Bulb

Dear Indiana State Senator Patricia Miller,

I just learned about the exciting new legislation you have underway in Indiana aimed at regulating “Unauthorized Reproduction.” I think it’s about time, and I’m eager to share your novel ideas with my local representatives here in Vermont to institute a similar micro-management of the sex life of my neighbors.

Given your track record slashing the rights of homosexuals in Indiana, I have no doubt that you will ultimately be successful in your endeavor to seize control of the reproductive organs of your fellow Hoosiers. However, a couple of questions and suggestions did come to mind as I read through the draft, and I hope you’ll take them into consideration:

  1. First of all, why not just cut to the chase and include a blanket ban on the sale of turkey basters to anyone not in possession of a gestational certificate? Sure, they can be used for cooking, but any god-fearing Christian housewife will know to borrow her mother’s turkey baster for such innocent family activities. As the perfect tool for gay impregnation, they are clearly nothing more than the Devil’s Suction Bulb – and you can get the confounded things at CVS, for goodness sakes, right up the isle from the ribbed condoms and the strawberry-flavored spermicidal lubricants.
  2. As you obtain your blanket authority to regulate the intra-state movement of sperm for any purpose other than missionary style impregnation within wedlock, might an exemption permit be made mandatory for masturbating? I know, it is a depraved form of self-abuse from which we must all strive to wean ourselves. But just as we as a society have chosen to cash in on and subsidize smoking, we could regulate masturbation, generating income while vilifying and humiliating those addicted to the nasty habit. We are only mortal, and sometimes — like when our wives are away on business — we sin. It’s one thing to deal with the guilt and the mess, but we should at least be able to rest assured that we’re in compliance with the legal code. Perhaps — as with hunting licenses — it could be a seasonal permit with a quantity cap.
  3. If my wife and I are just messing around for fun with no intention of getting pregnant, and if we’re using proper protection (i.e. locking the door and turning off the lights, right?), should we still apply for a permit — just in case?
  4. Should an application for renewal or extension of a permit require additional probing? I mean, you’re giving people a generous two years to get the business done. If they fail to get pregnant by then, perhaps the authorities should inquire as to what exactly they’re doing? Of course, I know better than to suggest sex education in order to improve the success ratio — heaven knows, we do not want our young people informed enough to make reproductive decisions that are better left in the hands of the authorities. I’m just saying that maybe they’re doing it like the French: in ways entirely unsuited for reproduction. Intervention may be required. The Mullahs in Iran have had success with an entire branch of law enforcement dedicated to upholding laws pertaining to sexual and moral misconduct; perhaps when our current Crusade continues east you will be able to attend a workshop in Tehran to learn more.

Bottom line: thank you, Senator. I’m thrilled to see the effort you’re putting into this. I rest assured that, with the head of the Confessing Movement authoring this trailblazing bit of legislation, the uteri of our great nation may soon be under rigid, merciless control.

I remain

Yours sincerely,