To Balance Budget Obama Slashes Defense, Pork

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surpring turn of events, President Obama will tomorrow declare in his SOTU address that his efforts to balance the federal budget will focus on cuts to spiraling defense spending, foreign military aid, as well as reductions in direct and indirect subsidies to U.S. corporations.

“In these hard times it would be unreasonable to cut programs that benefit the weakest members of our society. Our middle class is still paying for those Bush tax cuts for the wealthy that I’ve decided to make permanent, and they are also reeling from the realization that while their jobs are in jeopardy and their home values have plummeted, they are paying dearly for my bailout of Wall Street and the big banks. Oh, and since I completely dropped the ball on health care reform, they’re going to be paying more than ever for sub-par insurance coverage if they can afford it at all.

So, for a brief moment while Rahm Emanuel and my other conservative advisors were out celebrating their complete control of policy making, I decided to reflect a little on the values upon which I ran my campaign a little over a year ago. And I realized that the only place I could justify making cuts was defense, homeland security, and the obscene amounts of support we continue to give to countries like Israel and Pakistan. I’m going to end those endless wars as I promised a while back. and since the average American is lying awake at night wondering how he will make the next mortgage payment, it just doesn’t seem fair that we’re singlehandedly underwriting Israel’s efforts to suppress the Palestinians. And Monsanto and Con-Agra will no longer be paid with tax-payer dollars to poison us with their Frankenfood, mutant meat, and high-fructose corn syrup.

Oh, wait what?… I’m sorry. Wrong speech.

As soon as the Republicans and the Blue Dog Democrats decide which programs he should cut (Education… Medicare… Social Security) I’m sure President Obama will make a bold, brave decision and do exactly as they tell him. Because that’s the kind of Change he Believes in: see, in the bad ol’ days, the eeevil Republicans made all the calls along with a large chunk of Democrats-in-name-only (and Holy Joe), and then a Republican President carried out the bad decision and poorly laid plans (if he wasn’t too drunk or busy making out with his favorite Saudi prince). Then, the media and the tele-vangelists proceed to blame the gays and the atheists for teh sucking and teh failing. But now it’s all different: In these enlightened times, the President’s bipartisan partners in the Republican Party make all the calls along with a large chunk of Democrats-in-name-only (and Holy Joe), and then a Democratic President carries out the bad decisions and poorly laid plans. Then, the Democratic President’s sidekick, ‘Wormtongue’ Emanuel proceeds to blame the monumental and all-encompassing suckiness on the Dirty Fucking Hippies. Who of course are mostly gay atheists. See? It’s all different.

Update: Spencer Ackerman boils teh stupid down to a single graph.